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Warmth of Your Arms
Warmth of Your Arms
Warning: Not one word of this is happy.
There were several things in the world that Changmin knew could make anyone feel better. One, was a cup of warm liquid, in his case, tea evoking the four kinds of Korean Buddhist thought: peacefulness, respectfulness, purity, and quietness. He needed all four at the moment.
Two, was Jaejoong. There was nothing like being held in a pair of willing arms and Changmin was sure that there was no other warmth quite like Jaejoong’s in all the world. When Jaejoong held you - really held you - it was like his whole heart wrapped around your body and for awhile you could forget that you were in pain.
Three was Jaejoong’s voice. He was best at lullabies, his soft crooning soothing shortened breath and loud hiccups from too many tears. Changmin himself hadn’t heard Jaejoong sing anything other than lullabies and the younger greatly suspected that Jaejoong only knew so many of them because of the children. They didn’t know how lucky they were.
Changmin only recently discovered number four. Hands down, this position belonged to Yunho. Mostly, Changmin reasoned (though he was unsure as to how he was able to think rationally at the moment,) because the professor was keeping Jaejoong from freaking out and Changmin didn’t want that just yet, he really just wanted to be held and allowed to cry his heart out...which he was. Therefore, Yunho was wonderful world comfort number four.
If he was going to be honest with himself, though, none of these could quite fill the aching hole in his heart.
“I like this couch,” Changmin murmured into Jaejoong’s shirt, “It’s squishy.”
“Isn’t it?”
Changmin felt hands gently pull hair away from his face and he tried not to think about how other, certain hands had felt doing the same thing.
“Sing more,” Changmin poked gently at Jaejoong’s side making him giggle softly.
“If I sing, you won’t talk,” Jaejoong spoke softly, gently, when he had managed to hold Changmin’s finger hostage.
“I don’t want to talk right now,” Changmin tucked himself closer to the warmth holding him, hiding his face from his friend’s eyes, “I just want to be held and sung to...please.”
“Okay.”
Yunho couldn’t help but notice the tears. They came periodically as Jaejoong began to sing for a second time, song after song, and Yunho knew that Jaejoong would only stop singing when he either lost his voice or Changmin fell asleep, whichever came first.
Changmin’s silence worried the professor, the only sign of his student’s distress the occasional bouts of tears that shook his shoulders. If Changmin didn’t talk to Jaejoong soon - talk to anybody - soon about Soo Ae, Yunho was going to call his friend in the psychology department to get an idea of possible messy outcomes and what to do to get them to (hopefully) heal.
Yunho fell asleep while supporting Jaejoong (and therefore Chagmin’s) weight, lulled to sleep by Jaejoong’s voice.
Yunho dreamt of tears falling from the sun and diamonds tumbling from the mouths of angels as they sang, their songs sad and filled with remorse.
When he woke, the sun was beginning to peek through curtains, Changmin was still curled into Jaejoong’s lap, hair flopped untidily, cheeks stained from salty tears that were cried whilst in dreamland. Jaejoong was awake, his own wet pearls spilling over, hand still stroking whatever parts of Changmin were visible.
“Did you sleep at all?” Yunho asked quietly, gently touching the bags under Jaejoong’s eyes.
“I...I didn’t want him to wake up and not have anyone there to hold him when he remembered.”
Yunho swallowed back a lump that he felt the formation of and wrapped an arm around his boyfriend. “I’m awake now, so you can fall asleep.”
“Will you sing to him if I’m still asleep?”
“I will. Get some rest, Jaejoong-ah, please. You need to sleep...for him.”
Jaejoong nodded, his head falling onto Yunho’s shoulder. Yunho took the hand that was still stroking Changmin and squeezed it tight. There was a slight returning pressure before Jaejoong fell asleep and Yunho watched over them both as sunlight crept into the room.
When Jaejoong woke, he panicked slightly because Changmin wasn’t there. The alarm subsided when he heard Yunho’s gentle voice in the kitchen and Jaejoong walked in to find Changmin stirring a cup of tea absentmindedly.
“Good morning,” Jaejoong said carefully, laying a hand on Changmin’s back.
“It’s afternoon, actually,” Yunho said and Jaejoong saw Changmin wince at the cheerful tone, “you’ve been sleeping for awhile.”
Jaejoong swore inside his head, but said nothing out loud, choosing instead to sit beside Changmin at the table. “Did you sleep okay?”
“Considering.” Changmin’s voice was rough and Jaejoong suspected that he had screamed into a pillow at some point.
“Have you eaten anything?” Jaejoong asked.
“I’m not really hungry.”
“You’re always hungry, Minnie-ah, now is not a good time to lose that appetite.”
“Fine. I don’t want to eat anything right now.”
“Why not?”
Changmin pushed his tea away roughly and let his face fall into his arms. “Because breakfast reminds me of her. Lunch...dinner...food in general. Everything. This stupid tea is her favorite, she loved the color green,” tears began escaping Changmin’s eyes again as he gestured to the green tea cup, “she...I can’t...I don’t want to remember.”
Jaejoong grasped Changmin’s hands and was vaguely aware of Yunho walking over and sitting on Changmin’s other side.
The youngest stared Jaejoong down and he felt himself lose it as Changmin whispered, “Hyung, tell me this isn’t real. Please tell me that this isn’t real.”
Yoochun was warm when he welcomed Changmin into Jaejoong’s apartment. Changmin thought that he smelled like home: cookies, clean clothes, and children. It was somehow a very comforting mix.
“What do you need, Minnie-ah?” Yoochun whispered.
“Just this.”
Changmin heard the murmuring voices from the kitchen but he ignored them, choosing instead to attempt to eat the strawberries forced upon him. He tried not to think of how Soo Ae would eat them, tried not to think of all the things the sight of her eating a strawberry would make him want to do.
He sighed. It was hopeless.
“Minnnniiiiiieeeee!”
Changmin attempted to school his heart but the sight of Junsu rushing into the room, hair in disarray, coat only half off, face streaked with tears made his heart break all over again. Junsu and Soo Ae had been so close.
The tears began to fall again and Junsu launched himself onto Changmin’s prone body on the couch and for some unknown reason, Changmin found himself apologizing, blabbering about things as he tried to not remember them. “I’m sorry...no more SooHugs, Junsu, n-no more...watching soccer matches with her or...or scheming...or...arguments over whether Su or Soo is better...n...no...”
“You are the stupidest Changmin ever, you know that? I don’t give a shit about any of those things, or her. You are my friend, Minnie-ah, and I only care that you are alright.”
Changmin found himself sobbing again, barely managing to whisper, “I...I’m not.” He didn’t know why he said it.
“I know.”
And Changmin let himself be angry and upset again now that he found another pair of arms to hold onto.
When he opened his eyes, Ha-Neul and Sun Hea were standing beside the couch, very serious expressions on their faces.
“Hello,” he managed to smile...at least he thought it was a smile, he couldn’t be too sure.
Sun Hea trundled closer, almost tripping over the blanket she was clutching too, and pressed her face onto his arm, kissing Changmin like Jaejoong kissed her when she was hurt. “All better,” she said, and Changmin felt tears pricking his eyes again.
Ha-Neul handed Changmin a heart that someone must have cut out for her, crudely colored red with marker and crayon.
“What’s this?”
“JaeJae said your heart got broked, this is a new one.”
Changmin pulled them onto his lap, clutching the heart, thinking he was going to treasure it forever. “Thank you,” he breathed them in as they wrapped their little arms around him, smelling of Yoochun and Jaejoong and heaven.
“What happened?”
Changmin tried to ignore the other four sitting with him on the couch.
“Min.” He didn’t know whose hands were stroking him.
“Don’t want to.”
His head was in Jaejoong’s lap again, (it used to be his second favorite place to lay his head; now it was his first,) and he felt Jaejoong start to play with his hair.
“Would you have preferred someone else telling you?”
Changmin’s eyes snapped open to find Yunho sitting cross-legged in front of the couch. “Wh...what?”
“Were you glad that Soo Ae was the one who told you?”
Changmin was silent as he slowly pieced the two phrases together in his mind before saying, “You knew?”
Yunho nodded.
Changmin sighed and shut his eyes, “I wouldn’t have liked anyone but her telling me.”
For a good fifteen minutes, no one said anything, lost in thought, memories, and images floating thick in their air surrounding them.
“Jaejoong?”
“Yes?”
“Am...am I just supposed to forget the past four years?”
Hands gripped him, arms wrapped around him tighter, even Yunho scooted closer.
“Do you want to forget it, Changmin?”
He thought about that. “I don’t know. I don’t...I want to stop hurting.”
“That doesn’t mean forgetting,” Yunho’s quiet voice was a hum beside his ear, “Tell me something about Soo Ae that you loved.”
“Her laugh.”
“What else?”
“Her smile. That she cared.”
“Is that it?”
“Of course not. She works hard, loves her family, has passion for everything she does...how is this helping me?”
Fingers brushed at his tears.
“I don’t know anything but Soo Ae. How...how am I supposed to do this? How?”
“We’re here for you while you figure that out. Soo Ae did love you. You know that. That’s what you need to remember, all those things you just said, the perky, crazy Soo Ae that stole your heart, that is okay to remember. That’s okay to cry about losing.”
Changmin choked over Yunho’s words.
“Minnie-ah,” Junsu’s voice floated down into his ear, “Just...just know that we love you. We’ll always love you.”
“I know that,” Changmin fisted the bits of Jaejoong’s clothing that he was holding onto, “I know you do but...”
“But she said that to you to?” Jaejoong finished.
Min nodded.
“We aren’t going anywhere,” Junsu promised.
“I know you lost a lot of trust in people, lost a lot of faith in them,” Changmin felt a hand caress his back, “but Min-ah, love is trust no matter who it concerns.
“Minnie,” Jaejoong said, “put the trust you had in Soo Ae in us. Let us take care of you. Please. We love you so much, this hurts us all. Let us in.”
Changmin broke. “You were never out,” he whispered, knowing the sentence sounded funny, but not caring because that was what he wanted to say.
And then he couldn’t think. Emotions and unintelligible phrases spewing from his mouth as he exhaled his frustration again and again and again until his throat was raw and it hurt to draw a breath.
He fell asleep still gathered in Jaejoong’s arms, being sung to this time by Yoochun, hair stroked by Yunho, back rubbed by Junsu, and forgetting, just for a second, the pain overflowing in his heart.
~~~~I don't think I've ever become quite so teary eyed while writing something. *goes to find tissues and cry in her bed filled with too many pillows* Hopefully I haven't scared anyone off with this... I meant to say this last time but it's sort of based on a friend of mine who basically pulled what Soo Ae did (cept her bf never found out) and so part of this was me trying to understand why she'd do something that. Not sure if I get it.
*really goes to cry this time*
Comments will make me so happy (and Lord do I need to be happy after this.)~~~~
Warning: Not one word of this is happy.
There were several things in the world that Changmin knew could make anyone feel better. One, was a cup of warm liquid, in his case, tea evoking the four kinds of Korean Buddhist thought: peacefulness, respectfulness, purity, and quietness. He needed all four at the moment.
Two, was Jaejoong. There was nothing like being held in a pair of willing arms and Changmin was sure that there was no other warmth quite like Jaejoong’s in all the world. When Jaejoong held you - really held you - it was like his whole heart wrapped around your body and for awhile you could forget that you were in pain.
Three was Jaejoong’s voice. He was best at lullabies, his soft crooning soothing shortened breath and loud hiccups from too many tears. Changmin himself hadn’t heard Jaejoong sing anything other than lullabies and the younger greatly suspected that Jaejoong only knew so many of them because of the children. They didn’t know how lucky they were.
Changmin only recently discovered number four. Hands down, this position belonged to Yunho. Mostly, Changmin reasoned (though he was unsure as to how he was able to think rationally at the moment,) because the professor was keeping Jaejoong from freaking out and Changmin didn’t want that just yet, he really just wanted to be held and allowed to cry his heart out...which he was. Therefore, Yunho was wonderful world comfort number four.
If he was going to be honest with himself, though, none of these could quite fill the aching hole in his heart.
“I like this couch,” Changmin murmured into Jaejoong’s shirt, “It’s squishy.”
“Isn’t it?”
Changmin felt hands gently pull hair away from his face and he tried not to think about how other, certain hands had felt doing the same thing.
“Sing more,” Changmin poked gently at Jaejoong’s side making him giggle softly.
“If I sing, you won’t talk,” Jaejoong spoke softly, gently, when he had managed to hold Changmin’s finger hostage.
“I don’t want to talk right now,” Changmin tucked himself closer to the warmth holding him, hiding his face from his friend’s eyes, “I just want to be held and sung to...please.”
“Okay.”
Yunho couldn’t help but notice the tears. They came periodically as Jaejoong began to sing for a second time, song after song, and Yunho knew that Jaejoong would only stop singing when he either lost his voice or Changmin fell asleep, whichever came first.
Changmin’s silence worried the professor, the only sign of his student’s distress the occasional bouts of tears that shook his shoulders. If Changmin didn’t talk to Jaejoong soon - talk to anybody - soon about Soo Ae, Yunho was going to call his friend in the psychology department to get an idea of possible messy outcomes and what to do to get them to (hopefully) heal.
Yunho fell asleep while supporting Jaejoong (and therefore Chagmin’s) weight, lulled to sleep by Jaejoong’s voice.
Yunho dreamt of tears falling from the sun and diamonds tumbling from the mouths of angels as they sang, their songs sad and filled with remorse.
When he woke, the sun was beginning to peek through curtains, Changmin was still curled into Jaejoong’s lap, hair flopped untidily, cheeks stained from salty tears that were cried whilst in dreamland. Jaejoong was awake, his own wet pearls spilling over, hand still stroking whatever parts of Changmin were visible.
“Did you sleep at all?” Yunho asked quietly, gently touching the bags under Jaejoong’s eyes.
“I...I didn’t want him to wake up and not have anyone there to hold him when he remembered.”
Yunho swallowed back a lump that he felt the formation of and wrapped an arm around his boyfriend. “I’m awake now, so you can fall asleep.”
“Will you sing to him if I’m still asleep?”
“I will. Get some rest, Jaejoong-ah, please. You need to sleep...for him.”
Jaejoong nodded, his head falling onto Yunho’s shoulder. Yunho took the hand that was still stroking Changmin and squeezed it tight. There was a slight returning pressure before Jaejoong fell asleep and Yunho watched over them both as sunlight crept into the room.
When Jaejoong woke, he panicked slightly because Changmin wasn’t there. The alarm subsided when he heard Yunho’s gentle voice in the kitchen and Jaejoong walked in to find Changmin stirring a cup of tea absentmindedly.
“Good morning,” Jaejoong said carefully, laying a hand on Changmin’s back.
“It’s afternoon, actually,” Yunho said and Jaejoong saw Changmin wince at the cheerful tone, “you’ve been sleeping for awhile.”
Jaejoong swore inside his head, but said nothing out loud, choosing instead to sit beside Changmin at the table. “Did you sleep okay?”
“Considering.” Changmin’s voice was rough and Jaejoong suspected that he had screamed into a pillow at some point.
“Have you eaten anything?” Jaejoong asked.
“I’m not really hungry.”
“You’re always hungry, Minnie-ah, now is not a good time to lose that appetite.”
“Fine. I don’t want to eat anything right now.”
“Why not?”
Changmin pushed his tea away roughly and let his face fall into his arms. “Because breakfast reminds me of her. Lunch...dinner...food in general. Everything. This stupid tea is her favorite, she loved the color green,” tears began escaping Changmin’s eyes again as he gestured to the green tea cup, “she...I can’t...I don’t want to remember.”
Jaejoong grasped Changmin’s hands and was vaguely aware of Yunho walking over and sitting on Changmin’s other side.
The youngest stared Jaejoong down and he felt himself lose it as Changmin whispered, “Hyung, tell me this isn’t real. Please tell me that this isn’t real.”
Yoochun was warm when he welcomed Changmin into Jaejoong’s apartment. Changmin thought that he smelled like home: cookies, clean clothes, and children. It was somehow a very comforting mix.
“What do you need, Minnie-ah?” Yoochun whispered.
“Just this.”
Changmin heard the murmuring voices from the kitchen but he ignored them, choosing instead to attempt to eat the strawberries forced upon him. He tried not to think of how Soo Ae would eat them, tried not to think of all the things the sight of her eating a strawberry would make him want to do.
He sighed. It was hopeless.
“Minnnniiiiiieeeee!”
Changmin attempted to school his heart but the sight of Junsu rushing into the room, hair in disarray, coat only half off, face streaked with tears made his heart break all over again. Junsu and Soo Ae had been so close.
The tears began to fall again and Junsu launched himself onto Changmin’s prone body on the couch and for some unknown reason, Changmin found himself apologizing, blabbering about things as he tried to not remember them. “I’m sorry...no more SooHugs, Junsu, n-no more...watching soccer matches with her or...or scheming...or...arguments over whether Su or Soo is better...n...no...”
“You are the stupidest Changmin ever, you know that? I don’t give a shit about any of those things, or her. You are my friend, Minnie-ah, and I only care that you are alright.”
Changmin found himself sobbing again, barely managing to whisper, “I...I’m not.” He didn’t know why he said it.
“I know.”
And Changmin let himself be angry and upset again now that he found another pair of arms to hold onto.
When he opened his eyes, Ha-Neul and Sun Hea were standing beside the couch, very serious expressions on their faces.
“Hello,” he managed to smile...at least he thought it was a smile, he couldn’t be too sure.
Sun Hea trundled closer, almost tripping over the blanket she was clutching too, and pressed her face onto his arm, kissing Changmin like Jaejoong kissed her when she was hurt. “All better,” she said, and Changmin felt tears pricking his eyes again.
Ha-Neul handed Changmin a heart that someone must have cut out for her, crudely colored red with marker and crayon.
“What’s this?”
“JaeJae said your heart got broked, this is a new one.”
Changmin pulled them onto his lap, clutching the heart, thinking he was going to treasure it forever. “Thank you,” he breathed them in as they wrapped their little arms around him, smelling of Yoochun and Jaejoong and heaven.
“What happened?”
Changmin tried to ignore the other four sitting with him on the couch.
“Min.” He didn’t know whose hands were stroking him.
“Don’t want to.”
His head was in Jaejoong’s lap again, (it used to be his second favorite place to lay his head; now it was his first,) and he felt Jaejoong start to play with his hair.
“Would you have preferred someone else telling you?”
Changmin’s eyes snapped open to find Yunho sitting cross-legged in front of the couch. “Wh...what?”
“Were you glad that Soo Ae was the one who told you?”
Changmin was silent as he slowly pieced the two phrases together in his mind before saying, “You knew?”
Yunho nodded.
Changmin sighed and shut his eyes, “I wouldn’t have liked anyone but her telling me.”
For a good fifteen minutes, no one said anything, lost in thought, memories, and images floating thick in their air surrounding them.
“Jaejoong?”
“Yes?”
“Am...am I just supposed to forget the past four years?”
Hands gripped him, arms wrapped around him tighter, even Yunho scooted closer.
“Do you want to forget it, Changmin?”
He thought about that. “I don’t know. I don’t...I want to stop hurting.”
“That doesn’t mean forgetting,” Yunho’s quiet voice was a hum beside his ear, “Tell me something about Soo Ae that you loved.”
“Her laugh.”
“What else?”
“Her smile. That she cared.”
“Is that it?”
“Of course not. She works hard, loves her family, has passion for everything she does...how is this helping me?”
Fingers brushed at his tears.
“I don’t know anything but Soo Ae. How...how am I supposed to do this? How?”
“We’re here for you while you figure that out. Soo Ae did love you. You know that. That’s what you need to remember, all those things you just said, the perky, crazy Soo Ae that stole your heart, that is okay to remember. That’s okay to cry about losing.”
Changmin choked over Yunho’s words.
“Minnie-ah,” Junsu’s voice floated down into his ear, “Just...just know that we love you. We’ll always love you.”
“I know that,” Changmin fisted the bits of Jaejoong’s clothing that he was holding onto, “I know you do but...”
“But she said that to you to?” Jaejoong finished.
Min nodded.
“We aren’t going anywhere,” Junsu promised.
“I know you lost a lot of trust in people, lost a lot of faith in them,” Changmin felt a hand caress his back, “but Min-ah, love is trust no matter who it concerns.
“Minnie,” Jaejoong said, “put the trust you had in Soo Ae in us. Let us take care of you. Please. We love you so much, this hurts us all. Let us in.”
Changmin broke. “You were never out,” he whispered, knowing the sentence sounded funny, but not caring because that was what he wanted to say.
And then he couldn’t think. Emotions and unintelligible phrases spewing from his mouth as he exhaled his frustration again and again and again until his throat was raw and it hurt to draw a breath.
He fell asleep still gathered in Jaejoong’s arms, being sung to this time by Yoochun, hair stroked by Yunho, back rubbed by Junsu, and forgetting, just for a second, the pain overflowing in his heart.
~~~~I don't think I've ever become quite so teary eyed while writing something. *goes to find tissues and cry in her bed filled with too many pillows* Hopefully I haven't scared anyone off with this... I meant to say this last time but it's sort of based on a friend of mine who basically pulled what Soo Ae did (cept her bf never found out) and so part of this was me trying to understand why she'd do something that. Not sure if I get it.
*really goes to cry this time*
Comments will make me so happy (and Lord do I need to be happy after this.)~~~~
no subject
Yunho even step in to implied that he knew & i think that will eventually lead Minnie to talk to him more later. Congrats in finishing this really hard chapter *handing more tissues*
PS. i love the children part - the kiss & heart was just touching. Nothing like innocent love to cure any depression.
no subject
i had to put the kids in there somewhere... :)