miari | Color is Insanity in Material Form 3

Hangeng blamed the colors.

He hadn't actually realized that he had been kissing the God until Heechul had threaded his hands into Hangeng's hair and moaned unabashedly into his mouth.

Okay, well maybe Hangeng had known. He had just forgotten that it was Heechul. Because the God’s body had felt wonderful under Hangeng's hands, and for a few seconds of utter bliss, Hangeng had decided that his hate for the God didn’t matter. And then Heechul had done something with his tongue that had made Hangeng's blood rush straight down. He remembered letting out a groan as Heechul's hands found his waist and their hips moved tentatively in a way Hangeng never wanted to forget.

Then he had realized that his hand was trying to slip down Heechul’s pants and when his brain had caught up with that and what usually followed such action, he threw himself halfway across the room. Hangeng had spent a good five minutes with his forehead pressed to the floor, apologizing profusely.

Heechul had only smiled (Hangeng pretended not to notice the God licking his lips), telling the assassin that it wasn't a big deal (even though they both knew that it was), and yes, it was their minds doing funny things because of everything that had happened and to get back into bed.

Hangeng had been afraid to fall asleep because he knew that Kyuhyun would get inside his head and laugh his ass off. Again. Unfortunately, Hangeng had been too tired to persevere in his attempt and had eventually shut his eyes. His dreams were filled with Heechul and kissing and other things that he tried to forget about once he woke, which he didn't, because when he cracked his eyes open, Heechul was wrapped protectively in Hangeng’s embrace. It had been an awkward morning.

He didn't know if Kyuhyun had seen anything until just now as Hangeng passed the God of Dreams in the hallway; he gave Hangeng the slyest, greasiest grin he had ever seen in his life and he narrowed his eyes dangerously.

"I hope," Zhou Mi hissed into Hangeng's ear, "That you did not just glare at Kyuhyun."

"Hope all you want," Hangeng returned quietly, praying that Heechul couldn't hear, "He got into my head last night and I'll look at him however I want."

The priest gave him a cold look.

"Zhou Mi," Heechul interjected from a few paces away, "Did I just hear you refer to a God without his title?"

Hangeng tried not to grin. Oh how he had waited for Heechul to notice.

"I...it was unintentional, my Lord. I apologize."

"It had better not happen again, not unless you can prove that Kyuhyun gave you permission. In which case you and I will need to discuss your loyalties."

"It was my mistake, your Grace."

"Wipe the smirk off your face, Hankyung, you're no better. You've been here long enough to remember as well, don't think I don't notice you slacking off."

"Whatever you wish, my Lord," Hangeng said, bowing, and had a moment of surprise (or perhaps it was horror) when he realized that he meant every word.

~~~~

It was something of a turning point, Hangeng realized later, when Heechul asked him to go fetch him food and Hangeng found that he didn't mind.

"What happened?" Zhou Mi asked him finally, "Besides my Lord Heechul giving you a few Breaths back?"

"What are you talking about?"

"Something obviously happened yesterday. His Grace is simpering. And you aren't rolling your eyes."

"I saved his life," Hangeng shrugged, watching Heechul as he clicked his tongue disapprovingly at a painting.

"Are you sure that's all?" Zhou Mi questioned.

Hangeng remembered Heechul's lips, and his tongue, and his body, and how fucking good Heechul had sounded as he had moaned into Hangeng's ear.

"Yeah. That's all."

"Your face tells me that you're lying."

"You go ahead and believe that," Hangeng replied, and thanked Heechul for his perfect timing as the God beckoned to him.

"What is your opinion of this picture now that you have Breath?"

Hangeng pretended to think for a few moments, trying not to look smug as he heard Zhou Mi muttering angrily to himself.

"I don't like the yellows, my Lord. But the rest of it is nice. You should keep it."

"I agree," Heechul nodded, "Zhou Mi put this in my gallery, please."

"Of course, your Grace." Zhou Mi bowed, and Hangeng heard the grating of his voice.

Apparently Heechul heard it as well. "Is something amiss, Zhou Mi?"

"No, my Lord."

Heechul turned around stuck his face into Zhou M's. "I don't appreciate lies."

"I'm not lying, my Lord."

"You are," Heechul hissed, and he lifted Zhou Mi's head, staring into his friend's eyes, "What is wrong?"

"I..." Zhou Mi wet his lips, "You both seem...different...today. No one will explain why."

"By no one you mean Hankyung? Because you did not ask me."

Zhou Mi bowed his head.

"If I wanted you to know what transpired between the two of us, would I not have already told you?"

"Yes, my Lord, but-"

"Do not ask such pointless questions again."

"As you wish, your Grace. If you are finished with this art, your petitioners await."

Hangeng could feel Zhou Mi's glare on his back all the way to the audience chamber. And all the way through petitions, and Assembly, and lunch.

Finally unable to take it any longer, Hangeng pounced on Zhou Mi when Heechul went to "have a word" with Donghae about something.

"Am I not allowed to have secrets?" Hangeng asked, rounding on the unsuspecting priest, "You certainly have some secrets of your own that you choose to keep from Heechul."

Zhou Mi followed Hangeng's pointed gaze to where Kyuhyun was idly picking leaves off of trees and observing them carefully. Hangeng was sure he would never understand the way Kyuhyun's mind worked.

"I-we-" Zhou Mi stuttered, a faint blush spreading across his cheeks. "You can't say anything," he pleaded softly, "We're not supposed to...not allowed..."

"I have nothing to say to anyone," Hangeng hissed, "except that you have a secret. And that's my point."

The priest bit his lip for a moment and then let out a ragged breath, "You would make an amazing God. You realize that, right?"

"I have to live my life righteously to become a God," Hangeng said, "I don't think attempted assassination is something that should be exemplified to the general population. I have no desire to become or be around any Returned."

"But haven’t you fallen in love with one?” Zhou Mi asked softly.

Hangeng froze. "I beg your pardon?"

"You should stop denying it. Trust me, it's a lot easier."

It was Hangeng's turn to stutter. Zhou Mi sighed.

"I wasn't annoyed with you because you didn't tell me your secret. I know your secret; it's just frustrating to watch the two of you dance around it like it doesn't exist."

"I'm not-"

"His Grace Kangin even noticed," Zhou Mi said, "And he's usually completely blind to things like that."

"We're not-"

"You are. You spend your time staring at the other when you think no one's looking, and you dream about each other, about doing all sorts of things with each other...my Lord wants you," Zhou Mi whispered, "Just as much as you want him, why are you fighting it?"

"I...he...I hate him."

"No you don't. You need to stop blaming him for something that wasn't his fault. If you're angry, go out and bring your retribution down on the people that actually harmed you. Gods do not choose people's actions for them. They decide for themselves how to act, and you can't blame any one but the people for that."

Hangeng wet his lips, wondering how the encounter had turned into a Zhou Mi lecture. “I don’t belong here.”

“That’s twice in one day you’ve lied to me.”

“Is everything alright?”

Hangeng turned around and saw Kyuhyun standing off to the side, arms crossed and eyebrows raised.

“Everything is fine, my Lord,” Hangeng returned, “If you’ll excuse me, I’ll leave you two alone.”

~~~~~

When Kyuhyun walked into Hangeng’s dreams that night he was not smiling. “So you know.”

“I do.”

Hangeng’s surroundings were a bit hazy; he wasn’t exactly sure where they were, but it seemed safe enough. Kyuhyun sat down on...something...and the assassin followed suit, hesitantly.

“Do you know what it’s like for a God to be in love with someone else’s Priest?”

Stupid question. Of course not. “No, my Lord.”

“It’s difficult,” Kyuhyun said, “It isn’t allowed.”

Hangeng swallowed. “Why is that?”

“Gods can love Gods,” Kyuhyun said softly, “like Kangin and Leeteuk except usually not so complicated. Gods can love their own priests, as I think will happen with Yesung and Ryeowook, but that is it. Priests are...dedicated to one God. They give their life in service of one deity, throwing everything they have into the care of that one individual. If they had to split their attention between serving one God and loving another...it would be disastrous.”

“How do you know that?”

“That’s always been the outcome. You cannot be completely devoted to more than one thing. It is impossible. To be completely devoted means that every single thing you do if for that one person. Every one of your conscious thoughts. To try and do that for two things, or three is unimaginable.”

“I don’t really understand,” Hangeng admitted, “Isn’t it like...you work during the day and go home to your family at night?”

“Not when you’re a priest. Your work, your family, your play...it’s all the same thing. It’s all consummated in the God you serve. When one chooses to become a priest one chooses to give everything to one God, to one’s belief and trust in a singular entity.”

“So then...how do you and Zhou Mi love?”

“In our dreams,” Kyuhyun replied, a small smile on his face, “We tried to meet when Zhou Mi was with Yesung, just to see if we could prove thousands of years of tradition wrong. You saw how that ended. The only time Zhou Mi is doing something for himself is when he’s sleeping. Fate intervened with us when it made me God of Dreams. It is only at night, in the recesses of our minds that we can create a world to be together, to love each other. It works. Somehow.”

“That doesn’t sound...fulfilling.”

“When it’s the only thing you have...” Kyuhyun shrugged.

They were silent for a few minutes before Hangeng pressed, “That’s why you don’t want a High Priest. You don’t want to further endanger your relationship.”

“Partly,” Kyuhyun admitted, “Mostly because if I were to have one, I would only want Zhou Mi.”

Hangeng let out a sigh.

“You have it easier than us,” Kyuhyun said, “Which is why Mi got so frustrated with you today.”

“I’m sorry?”

“Gods fall in love with humans all the time. And they make it work all the time. Kibum is like myself; he can influence what he is God of to a certain extent. It is because of him that the priests are also immortal.”

Hangeng considered denying all of it. He thought that maybe if he ignored it, it would be less embarrassing. He finally let out a long sigh and buried his head in is arms. “I was supposed to kill him.”

“I did try to warn you.”

“You laughed at me. That is not a warning.”

“What are you going to do about it?” Kyuhyun asked, ignoring the jibe.

“Nothing. My thirty days are up at the end of the week. I won’t kill him, but I’m not staying. This is not where I belong.”

The God sighed. “I hope you think carefully about that choice before you leave.” He stood and stretched. “If you’ll excuse me, I have a High Priest awaiting my undivided attention.”

“Have fun,” Hangeng quipped.

Kyuhyun grinned slyly. “You too.”

What?

Kyuhyun disappeared and Hangeng prepared for the tiger that was ever present in his dreams to make it’s entrance. Every night the damn thing would chase him and then eat him. He was sick of it.

He groaned a little when he heard a small noise behind him and he turned, deciding that he wasn’t going to run, he was going to stand there and be torn into bits because it meant that he’d wake faster.

Hangeng blinked when he wasn’t immediately tackled by a tiger. Instead of the viciously clawed animal, Heechul stood there, draped in red, hair pulled back, his eyes running up and down Hangeng’s body. Hangeng decided not to dwell on his suddenly shirtless torso. This was all a dream anyway.

“Well,” Heechul said, “This would be nicer if we had a bed, but given the circumstances, I shall make do.”

Hangeng didn’t have a moment to breathe before Heechul pounced, shoving them both onto the ground (or was it a floor? was it a bed? It did feel nice. As Heechul pulled off the rest of his clothes Hangeng decided that really, he didn’t care. Heechul was there, with him, and they were kissing and that was all that mattered.)

Hangeng’s last coherent thought was that maybe he didn’t hate Kyuhyun too much.

~~~~

Kyuhyun had given Heechul a severe lecture. Normally, Heechul wasn’t one to sit through a reprimand from another God, but he had to admit that he had deserved this one. He was really not being himself by denying the current state of his heart and he intended to fix it as soon as his thirty days were up...preferably before Hangeng killed him. Though quite honestly, Heechul thought, if Hangeng didn’t love him back then death would be a welcome thing.

Kyuhyun had rolled his eyes and excused himself after Heechul proclaimed this, telling him to have a good time. Heechul had opened his mouth to yell, thinking that Kyuhyun was wishing him a happy immortal end, but the words had died on his lips when Hangeng appeared in front of him.

The assassin that was now standing in front of him looked positively gorgeous. Heechul couldn’t hold back his small noise of appreciation and when Hangeng had turned to look at him, Heechul’s mouth went dry.

Fuck it, he thought, moving in for a kiss, this is all a dream anyway.

~~~~

Waking up had never been so awkward in all of Hangeng’s life. Heechul was wrapped around him as usual, and it was not helping the images in Hangeng’s mind. Gently, Hangeng brushed away a lock of of the God’s hair and had to take a deep breath to get himself under control.

Damn you, Kyuhyun. You and Zhou Mi and Heechul and--.

Heechul’s eyes popped open.

They blinked at each other a few times before Hangeng slowly pulled away, “I-”

“Don’t,” Heechul said, “Do not,” and he wrapped his arms more firmly around Hangeng’s middle, “I’m going to murder Kyuhyun.“

Hangeng tried not to hyperventilate as he slid his own arms around the God and pulled him closer. “Nightmare?” he asked.

“Not really,” Heechul mumbled.

Hangeng decided that he didn’t want to ask because it might prompt Heechul to question the assassin about his own dreams. That was a conversation Hangeng wasn’t ready to have.

They laid there for awhile, breathing each other in, while Hangeng tried to memorize Heechul’s scent, the feel of his hair, how every thing around them bent with light and color.

“Okay,” Heechul finally said, and the loss of his body made Hangeng want to cry, “I’m up. Where’s Zhou Mi? If he’s still sleeping I’ll kill him.”

~~~~

The last week was horrible. Every night, Hangeng dreamt of Heechul. They talked and kissed and made love and Hangeng tried to forget that it was a dream. Tried to remember each moment even as they faded from his memory and blurred into indistinct pictures and feelings. Never in his life would he have thought that such a spectacular fantasy could hurt so much.

Heechul acted no differently. He ordered Hangeng around, shoving paintings and food at him like normal, asking his opinion after Assembly meetings, and snuggling up against him at night.

On the twenty-ninth day, Hangeng excused himself while Heechul and Zhou Mi were discussing petitions and went to to find Siwon.

“I’m going to leave,” he said as a way of greeting the God.

“I heard that you love him. Was that a lie?”

Hangeng sighed. “I don’t belong here.”

“It’s really not very smart to lie to a God.”

“Look,” Hangeng said, “I can’t stand these politics, the way things are done. I just...I have things that I have to do.”

Siwon set down a book he had been reading and folded his hands. Hangeng suspected he was being given a look usually reserved for disobedient priests in training. “I can see why Heechul likes you so much. You’re stubborn.”

“Yes.”

“No one’s going to stop you. But if you hurt Heechul you’ll have all the Gods after your sorry ass.”

Hangeng gave him a wry smile. “I think I can handle it.”

~~~~~

When Heechul came into Hangeng’s dreams that night the God was crying. “I know it’s not really you,” Heechul whispered, “I know this is all a dream, but...this has made me so happy.”

Hangeng cupped his face and kissed the God sweetly.

“Will I dream of you when you’re gone?” Heechul asked, face buried in Hangeng’s shoulder.

“I don’t know,” Hangeng replied, and kissed the God again, intent on burning the images into his brain forever.

When he woke, Heechul was sobbing, and Hangeng wondered what Heechul had dreamt because the assassin was sure it wasn’t even close to his own fantasies.

“My Lord?” He asked quietly.

Heechul punched his stomach softly. “What did I say about that?”

Hangeng cleared his throat. “Heechul...”

“Just one more reason for me to yell at Kyuhyun.” The God sniffed, wiping his eyes, and Hangeng thought that Heechul was probably the most beautiful thing he’d ever seen.

On a strange impulse, Hangeng leaned forward, landing a gentle kiss to Heechul’s mouth.

“Is that my goodbye kiss?”

“If you want,” Hangeng whispered, “I’m not...I’m sorry that I wanted to kill you.”

Heechul sniffed again, running a hand through his hair, “I knew you wouldn’t.” He stretched and tumbled out of the bed, dressing himself quickly. “Come, it’s time I returned all your Breath.”

~~~~~

Of course, Hangeng knew that Heechul himself wouldn’t be giving the Breath back. The God was a Returned, not an Awakener. He could only take Breath, not give it. Heechul had an Awakener ready, holding almost twice as much Breath in him than Hangeng had originally had.

“That’s not--”

“Well that’s what you’re getting. Shut up and do it.”

The man held out his hands and Hangeng took them, closing his eyes as the color flooded his mind, knocking him flat on his back. He basked in them, in the heightened spectrums he could now see. He felt hands caress him and as he settled into the feelings, he saw Heechul’s face come into focus above him. Hangeng knew what he was going say, even before Heechul opened his mouth.

“Stay,” the God breathed, “Stay here with me.”

Hangeng tried to clear the euphoria from his mind.

“Heechul...”

“Please, Hangeng.”

Hangeng stood carefully, loving how his name sounded on Heechul’s lips, wanting to hear again and again and...

“Heechul, I can’t.”

“Please,” Heechul entreated coming to stand beside Hangeng, grabbing his hand.

Hangeng moved in for a kiss, blaming the fact that his brain was high on color. Heechul slid tongue into mouth and hands into hair. Hangeng marveled at how much better Heechul felt against him in real life.

“Don’t do this to me,” Heechul murmured into Hangeng’s mouth, “You know how I feel.”

“I don’t belong here,” Hangeng whispered back, “You know that.”

“Hangeng,” Heechul pronounced carefully, “I need you here. Please don’t do this.”

Hangeng swallowed the emotions in his throat and pulled away.

“Please,” Heechul begged.

Hangeng turned around, blinking fast to clear his eyes.

“I’m sorry. Truly. But I have to...I have things to do. Things that no one else can accomplish.”

“Hangeng,” Heechul began, but there were no more words, only the sounds of Heechul trying to get his emotions under control. Hangeng kept his back to the God, knowing that the sight of Heechul’s tears would spell Hangeng’s own end.

“I’m sorry,” Hangeng said again, and resolutely walked out of the audience chamber, out of the Heechul’s palace, and out of the Court altogether.

He did nothing to hide the tears streaming down his face.

Part 4

~~~~~~

Yes, I know. My flist wants law!verse. Will be up before I post the next/last part of this. So it won't be long. Promise.

<3

Color is Insanity in Material Form 3

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